What to Say to the People in Your Estate Plan
Choosing an executor, trustee, healthcare agent, financial agent, or guardian is a big decision. But before you put their name in your estate plan, there’s another person who should have a say in that decision: them.
The people you choose aren’t just names on a document. They’re people you trust to step in during moments when you may not be able to—sometimes during an emergency, sometimes after you’re gone. Talking to them beforehand gives you a chance to explain what you’re asking, hear how they feel about it, and make sure they’re comfortable saying yes.
Still deciding who to choose? Read our guide to choosing the right people for your estate plan.
And if starting the conversation is the hardest part, here are 21 ways to have the estate planning conversation.
1. Start by Asking, Not Telling
There’s a big difference between telling someone, “I made you my executor,” and asking whether they’d be comfortable taking on the role.
Before you put someone’s name in your estate plan, bring them into the decision. Tell them you’re working on your plan, explain the role you’re considering them for, and share why you thought of them. Maybe they’re someone you trust to stay calm under pressure, someone who knows you incredibly well, or simply the person you know would take your wishes seriously.
You don’t need to explain everything in that first conversation. The goal is to open the door and make it clear that you’re asking, not assigning.
Try saying:
“I’m working on my estate plan, and I’m considering naming you as my [executor/trustee/healthcare agent/financial agent/guardian] because you’re someone I really trust. I’d like to talk through what the role could involve and what I’d be asking of you, so you can decide whether it’s something you’d feel comfortable taking on.”
2. Make It an Open Conversation
Once you’ve asked, give the conversation space to take shape.
Explain what you’re thinking, but also ask what they’re thinking. What questions they have. Is there anything about the responsibility that worries them? Do they need time to consider it?
And importantly, don’t assume the answer will—or should—be yes.
Someone can love you deeply and still decide that a particular responsibility isn’t right for them. A potential guardian may need to think about what caring for your child could mean for their own family. An executor may have concerns about the time or responsibility involved. A healthcare agent may not feel comfortable making difficult medical decisions.
Give them permission to ask questions, think about it, talk it through with the people in their own life, and come back to you. A thoughtful no now is much more useful than discovering later that the person you chose isn’t able or willing to take on the role.
3. Make Sure They Understand What They’re Saying Yes To
Before someone agrees to a role in your estate plan, they should have a basic understanding of what that role could ask of them.
You don’t need to walk them through every possible scenario or hand over every piece of personal information right now. But they should understand what the responsibility involves, when they might need to step in, what wishes you’d want them to know, and where they’ll eventually be able to find the information they need.
The specifics will depend on the role.
Executor or Trustee
An executor may be responsible for administering your estate after your death and carrying out the instructions in your will. A trustee manages assets held in a trust according to its terms. Depending on your plan, these roles can involve working with documents, accounts, property, beneficiaries, and other administrative responsibilities.
Talk about what you would be trusting them to handle and where your estate documents and important information will eventually be stored. They don’t need every detail today, but they shouldn’t have to start from scratch if the time comes for them to step in.
Try saying:
“If you take this on, you may eventually be responsible for helping manage my estate and making sure the instructions in my plan are carried out. I’ll make sure you know where my documents and important information are kept so you won’t have to figure everything out from scratch.”
Healthcare Agent
A healthcare agent may need to make healthcare decisions for you if you can’t make them yourself.
That makes this conversation about more than where your Advance Health Care Directive is stored. Talk about what matters to you when it comes to your care, your values, and any wishes you feel strongly about. The goal is to help the person you choose understand the decisions you would want made, rather than leaving them to guess during an already difficult moment.
Try saying:
“If I couldn’t make medical decisions for myself, I’d be trusting you to help make them based on what I would want. I want us to talk about my wishes now so you wouldn’t be left trying to guess if that ever happened.”
Financial Agent
A financial agent may be authorized to handle certain financial matters for you if you’re unable to manage them yourself.
Talk about when they might need to step in, the kinds of responsibilities they could be given, and how they would eventually find the documents and financial information necessary to act on your behalf. You don’t necessarily need to give them access to everything now—the important thing is making sure they understand the responsibility and know that a system will be in place if they ever need it.
Try saying:
“If there were ever a time when I couldn’t manage certain financial matters myself, I’d be trusting you to step in for me. I’ll make sure you understand what I’m authorizing you to do and where you could find the information you’d need.”
Guardian
A guardian may one day be responsible for caring for your child if you’re no longer able to. That can make this one of the biggest asks in an estate plan.
Talk honestly about what the responsibility could mean, both emotionally and practically. Share the values and priorities that matter to you as a parent, and give the person you’re considering plenty of room to think about what taking on that responsibility could mean for their own life and family.
Try saying:
“If you said yes, I’d be trusting you to care for my child if I couldn’t. I want to talk about what that could realistically mean for you, as well as the things that would matter most to me about their care and upbringing.”
4. Make It Official
Once you’ve had the conversation and everyone is comfortable moving forward, you can turn those decisions into an actual plan.
Complete or update your estate planning documents.
Make them legally valid according to the requirements that apply to you.
Organize the information your chosen people may eventually need.
Let them know once your plan is complete.
Tell them where relevant documents and information can be found.
Revisit the conversation if your plan—or their circumstances—changes.
Your estate plan isn’t something you create once and never mention again. Your life changes, and so do the lives of the people you’ve chosen. Someone who was comfortable taking on a role five years ago may have different responsibilities today. Your own wishes may have changed, too.
Checking in from time to time helps make sure the plan on paper still reflects the people and relationships in your life.
They’re More Than Names on a Document
The people in your estate plan aren’t just names filling blank spaces next to executor, agent, trustee, or guardian.
They’re the people you’re trusting to show up for you and the people you love during moments that may be difficult, emotional, or unexpected.
Before you make your choices official, make sure the people you’re trusting understand what you’re asking—and have the opportunity to say yes.